I Like stories

I like stories. I like to read stories of men who did things, big things. Men we revere, who we sit at night and wonder if they were mere mortals, because deep down we want to be them. Stories of men who loved and went to war for love. Men who launched a thousand ships for love. Stories of Men who lost, who believed and fought for their beliefs and lost. Men who were compromised and lost it all. Men who had all earthly materialism could afford them and gave it all up for a strange idea they imagined. Men who had to raise their children all by themselves out of choice. Men who tied a rope and ended their lives.
Stories of Women of power, who conquered great lands and changed the destiny of the world. Women who choose not to be mothers, women who saved the world by their tender bosom. Women who decided to raise families and quit the corporate world. Women who fought to save nature. Women who wake up next to men they will never see again. Women who are attracted to other women.

I like to read stories of men who walked barefoot over hundreds of miles in protest and women who marched naked for a cause they believed in, and how the system was hell bent on silencing them and their eventual victory. Stories of hope.
I like to listen to podcast of stories of men who overcame addiction, and the tired voice on the other end of the podcast of how fickle life is but still of the amazing grace. The outcast who got a second chance and grabbed it with both hands.
I like stories of my father when he was a young boy, and how he fell in love with my mother.Of my mother as a young graduate from the village and the heavy expectations the society had. Of my uncle who loved to smoke, and blow smoke in the air in rings and how like it made him look.
Stories of revolutions and end of an era, of oppressions and victory, submission and betrayal.
Stories that took decades to write, stories of truth whose characters gave their life for a chapter in the story or that their grandchildren would one day, sit back and read their stories and be full of hope and pride of the sacrifices that were made.
I love reading and listening to stories with happy endings, I’m a sucker for happy endings but I know life is not about a happy endings but a journey worth narrating one day and the lessons therein, therefore I also read the sad ones. Those of addict who took his own life, of the dad who abandoned his family and never came back, of leaders who sacrificed their subjects and how empires were wiped out, and their stories forgotten.
But nonetheless, I love stories. Stories of all kind, coz once you read a story you’re never the same. You’re never alone, it’s like travelling in time, it’s like a dream, one that you can pause and unpause . A dream fixed in time.
But most of all, Id love to live in a story, a beautiful story. A story so warm kids will ask their dads to read it again and again every night. A story with the right amount of gravitas, people will only tell it to uplift others, to celebrate. A Story women will tell their men late at night covered in duvets, and only giggles will be heard.. I want to be in a story with no end, with unlimited possibilities, that way, it will live on for generations.

Fuccboi Extraordinaire

Every society has its underworld that exist to make sure the top bunk of the society remains sane and active…the downtown that makes the uptown seem livable and lavish ..juu

Let’s define the elephant in the room shall we?

Def one: Fuccboi, also stylized as “fuccb0i” or “fuqboi,” got its first Urban Dictionary entry in December 2004 as “A person who is a weak ass pussy that ain’t about shit

Def two : according to urban dictionary. A bitch ass basic boy that does stupid shit just to get a reaction out of people . Fucc bois usually think that they are cool or suave, but they are not. They tend to be pussy ass bitches in most situations.

I was gonna put a third definition but none will put a tip on it so let’s just go with the two definitions n expound this 21st century animal.
We can agree a fuccboi is generally deficient of what we would call a ‘manly’ Character..yes? In some corners you will hear women in high teas or at at the counter of bistro laugh the evening away as they down the only shipped bottle of ’84 du Bellay call them boy toys.. Well, they ain’t synonyms but fuccboi more often than not are boy toys..

Before I take the high road and call out some bs let me just point out most ~men~ males have at some point exhibit signs of a fuccboi… However prolonged and persistent below behavior should confirm your label..

 

Without much further ado how do u spot a fuccboi:
1. They will without much familiarity, either you’re the new staff in the office invite you to their house for Netflix and chill.. This is like chapter one of the book, if you are beyond this line, you still are not safe..You have graduated to level two.

2. Women are emotional beings, God bless them for this, they make the world go round.. Fuccbois know this all too well, they know how to pick the scent of a relationship which is in shambles. They know how to be a ‘good’ friend and offer good advice including “I don’t want you to leave your boyfriend, I just want you to be free with me, be open with me like I’m open with you… Like last week I told you how my mum has arthritis.. I don’t tell people my shit, I trust you though.. ” . Most women have been reported to fall flat footed at this second level.. More than once! Sadly once the Fuccboi gets what he wants you won’t get much of what you wanted.. Experienced Fuccbois have been known to use this with different variations to get what is globally known as corporate whore culture.. You will hear Gladys from H O confide in her friend Betty “me n Mike have no emotion to our thing, it’s not like baba junior will know, n again he is such a good listener, when baba junior stresses me na hizi mambo for loans Mike even sometimes gives me solutions so it’s like he is helping our marriage..cheers girlfriend…may we never get caught… Waiter give us another round na ulete POS I want to swipe my credit card “…I digress…
3. Human beings r a gullible fucks.. I’m sure some lady dared Hitler he wasn’t man enough till he had Europe under his reign.. And ladies and gentlemen that’s the short version of how why World War…before I get lost in my thought process get back to this fuccboi extraordinaire… We all think highly of our exploits, natural and learnt exploits, cramming all countries on the African map, downing 6 straight shots of tequila without staggering or blacking out? Yes? Or simply not knowing how much alcohol our bodies can handle.. Mike the Fuccboi knows this simple fact.. Mike is your usual bois in the hood, you actually fist bump when you meet.. But on this boring Saturday he will offer to buy you and your friend Jackie  drinks at the local as you discuss estate shenanigans.. At some point as you sip your guarrana,he introduces a game..’I’ve never’… Whoever loses takes a double, he is buying..his friend jaymo joins in n suggest he will add a bottie of what the ladies want then we can take the game to mikes house,its too noisy in the local.. In the morning as you and your friend Jackie  walk out of Mike’s house your main worry is not how you ended up smashing but if you might have mini Mike’s swimming in your insides.. .Jackie had a nice time, coz she likes Jaymo n it seems he might like her too..Jaymo even forms a whattsapp group of the 4 of you and you decide to do it all over again, you shush your conscience, it was a good night! YOLO!

3 months later as Jackie scrolls through the phone of his new boyfriend jaymo whom she thinks is cheating, comes across his convo Btwn Mike n Jaymo from 3 months ago “Jaymo, Vipi Buda boss, huyu Jackie lazima shuma ilale ndani! Naona anatingiza matako hii mtaa what is?” Jaymo interjects “Achana na Jackie Pls, kula Grace beste yake, Mimi Jackie ata ni Mimi nimekataa kula nangoja nikuwe sure si kuchocha ananichocha” ..mike concludes “Do ivi Niko na thao tatu niliwai betin staki ilale kwa mfuko, pitia local saa tatu, kuja na pesa ya mzinga Leo Hawa madame tutakula kama njugu LOL” … she screen shots the message and sends to her friend Grace…

4. There is nothing more refreshing than belonging to a grouping where you get total acceptance.. A majority are your age, lots of energy, cool pips..your mum actually likes them coz they r talking about God right????? Wrong! .. You have started to go to this church and their youth service feels like what heaven must feel like… Beautiful people, good speakers, sermon which speak to your soul. They even climb Karura forest for fun and they want to start biking to Rongai to raise funds for the needy … You must belong! I mean! Their chairman, he is mysterious.. But he looks charming, how he talks passionately about God and the plans he has for us..we love him..
He slides in your DM to find out how you are doing… You are quick to ask if you could bring your boyfriend who hates church to this group he might change his ways…he is quick to suggest it is such a good idea BUT maybe it’s a good idea if you delay a bit in the group, understand it well and dynamics before you invite others..and again the journey of spiritual growth is travelled individually, your boyfriend may derail you if you are not strong enough.. He is so wise… And you like his dimples and how he is so helpful to people..

One Saturday when ascending  the Karura forest he walks behind to help you up as others are literally running up the hill.. You are busy thinking you should start hitting the gym soon.. Your boyfriend Eddie has been insisting and again you already have a gym partner, your boyfriend! And that would really help your relationship coz you feel you are growing a bit distant coz of your busy schedules..it would be your thing… You are too lost in thought to realize Ruheni ( *the chairman of youth, that’s what y’all call him* ) is carrying you like a baby up the hill, he looks too strong.. You hope one day Eddie will have such biceps, last time Eddie tried lifting you during bedroom acrobatics you fell and hurt your small tush..and that’s the last time he tried to improvise bedroom things…i digress.. No one is in sight now, only you and Ruheni eating the hills like yams… Him carrying you.. He trips and falls, but luckily his wide arms grab you.. He hurts his arm.. As you console him, you both share a glance..he kisses you, you push him away….BUT after 30 seconds of his lips caressing yours giving you goosebumps..you both laugh..he apologizes profusely not after saying how beautiful you are and you blush… He urges you to run, if he catches you, you owe him another kiss… You run very fast, he doesn’t catch up with you, you reach the rest of the group… You play games as a group and have so much fun.. As you go down hill you look at your phone and find Eddie tried calling you 5 times, you had suggested you wanted to go for movies
and you suggested Saturday would be a good idea… You feel tired from the hike and would like nothing but a foot massage at home.. You call him and suggest he comes over you are tired… He is not pleased, he already bought tickets and hired a car so that you would drive around city at Night, one of those things you love doing… The city is magical at night.. He doesn’t promise to come he will try… 6 hours later his phone is mteja… Why r men so unreliable? you think… Ruheni whatsapp to find if your legs are OK.. He cracks a joke, this fella is funny! Eddie calls half drunk at 7pm, he sounds Jolly.. “Babe, Tuko Naivasha, Tash *hic*…and the boys*hic*..” you hang up angry… He chose his boys over you! Ruheni is now calling “hey pretty, why r u blue ticking your boyfriend?” …you laugh..”Ruheni stoooop, aki you, you are not my boyfriend *cheeky laugh*, actually I was on a call with my boyfriend, he is with friends in Naivasha blah blah my legs zimefura” ..Ruheni interjects .”actually I’m on Ngong road I can passby VERY BRIEFLY in like an hour, I know this dawa that does wonders, my big sis also has the same problem if she walks long distances…Ruheni shows up with pizza and some nice scented body massage… You agree to let him massage your feet.. Then he insist on neck massage next thing you’re in your towel lying in your bed he is massaging your whole body, except your boobies and nethers…you are dozing off.. It feels so good! At some point the towel is on the floor and he is massaging your whole body

Your guard is up, you promise yourself nothing will happen… He finishes massaging your body, YOUR WHOLE BODY! he covers you back in your towel and smiles and looks at his watch and excuses himself to leave… You can’t believe he didn’t even try to smash…..WHO IS THIS MAN? at the door you kiss for a long 10 min.. You are turned on like 🔥 🔥 🔥… He smiles and asks you not to be late for youth service the next day .. Ruheni is now a regular in your house, you now want to smash him… You seduce him, you have never shown a man your body n soul n he just stood there and didn’t want to devour you like a hungry hyena…There is nothing as hot as a man who only wants to look and not touch! Cmon TOUCH TOUCH! Gadamn touch I won’t bite! 😂 You finally get to smash Ruheni… He was OK.. You are surprised he is not a fan of cannilingus, a bit disappointing…and may be he was anxious that’s why things didn’t last as long as you hoped.. As he leaves, a part of u feels dirty.. As you hide/throw away the ‘evidence’ you cant help but wonder when you were last ravaged with 30Bob trust condoms..no flavor no nothing, n it looked like it had stayed in the wallet for like a few months… At least he would have bought Durex…lol MOVING ON SWIFTLY…. One month later, you are seating outside church ,bubbly in your purple sun dress, brown Fedora n purple wedges to match that Eddie bought you for your last birthday… your sins are forgiven…a new chic to the group comes to you for advice, “Ruheni and I kissed when we went for Karura climbing last week..i think I’m attracted to him, what do I do? ” she asks looking naively shy…. You feel betrayed by Ruheni …soon enough you realize
People call him Ruheni (Kikuyu for lightning) coz that’s what he is to women.. And just lightning he doesn’t strike the same place twice! You start an online petition against him… He reiterate with screenshots of you seducing him and calls out your immorality, he labels you the 😈 and the group rallies behind their able leader… You are excommunicated…from your online battles and screenshots, Eddie finds out and is heartbroken.. He calls off the ruracio he was finalizing on, you have to explain to your strict dad what happened yet you had dated Eddie for close to 6 years since campus! It hits you Ruheni is a fuccboi!

Let’s pause

How can we call you a teacher if you can’t act your teachings?
How can we call you a leader yet your hallmark is indecisiveness?
A glass of wine is as good as the berries it’s made from, an alcoholic  as sober as the date of  his last drink, a house as warm as its inhabitant… We live in a society that glorifies a  ‘reality’ on the mirage, beauty in the make up, happiness on the evidence of the dollar in the  bank account.
We are the only only species that kills for sport…for fun!  Yet we are called to pro create but we are happy when we abort, annihilate…eradicate.
The end justifies the means we comfort ourselves even when the end is but a mirage, built on sand..

What’s your name? No I mean whats your tribal name? And I don’t mean to ask so I can stereotype? They say.. I laugh, ignorant fucks! Pardon my French.

I can’t have my own thoughts anymore… I can’t read the Koran without my intentions questioned,  if I’m a Christian I should demonize their faith, we have become fake! The church has become a yard to parade our faith and not the hospital for the sick in faith..
We have gone rogue, our culture eroded,  our children bullied and raped, who is the sane, custodian of the gate, warrior of the realm, the shining armour to save us?  To speak the truth to our souls? We wait, we hope , we live, our ancestors will have mercy on our  children.

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